Anyone who is close to me knows that I avoid killing anything that displays the basic characteristics of life … at all costs. I am mental about it. I hate flies and spiders but I swear I can not bring myself to end their existence. I make it sound so terrible I know. I told you I am mental.
Tuesday afternoon me and the kids found a big ass spider in the microwave. WTF … how does this happen? This is the very reason for my irrational fear of all things 8 legged. They seem to materialize out of thin air.
Being the modern family, the microwave is essentially like running water in our house … a microwave with a hugenormous (add this word to your dictionary … it’s fun) arachnid living in it makes the applicance undeniably useless. I will now address questions from the audience.
Q: Why didn’t you just get the spider out?
A: Fear … How would like sticking your bacon smeared arm down a sewer pipe filled with hungry rabid rats? Now you know how I feel.
Q: Why didn’t you just squish it?
A: I don’t SQUISH things. Were you not paying attention to what was written above? I had a cat named Squish and she was cute.
Q: If you were so scared, why didn’t you just have your husband take care of the spider?
A: Um … my husband is on a WEEK LONG fishing trip and is not here to fulfill that duty. No more questions for right now.
TUESDAY, WEDNESDAY, THURSDAY AND TODAY (Friday). Each day we left the door to the microwave open and I pretended to cast a little spell over the spider in hopes the blasted thing would crawl out. It didn’t.
I am heating up left overs in pans, defrosting frozens in the oven. The kids don’t seem to like that their re-heated leftovers have pockets of coldness … I can over hear their whispers of e coli as they throw accusing glances my way. I am defrosting bread in the toaster and sending Tyler to school with toasted PB&Js. This drives him to the edge … begging his teacher for hot lunch money. We are eye to eye with catastrophe.
FRIDAY AFTERNOON: Brad comes home.
Brad: Why is the microwave door open?
me: I am trying to make a spider get out.
Brad: What?! (he is rolling up a Rolling Stone magazine … and I know what this means)
me: NOOOOO … you can’t kill it?
me: I can’t have death in an area where we do stuff with food.
Brad: (I can’t believe he is actually rolling his eyes at me) – Okay
me: Can you just make it crawl onto something and then take it outside?
Brad has stopped talking to me now but he grabs a piece of paper and the spider willingly crawls onto it and at last, the creature has made it’s way outside. Spider whisperer.
Brad: How long was it in there?
me: Since Tuesday.
Brad: You haven’t used the microwave since Tuesday?
me: I don’t want to talk about it anymore.