Titanium Toothed Baxter Strikes Again

Posted on December 7, 2012 by the girl with the most cake

Dear Parents,
These two thugs were giving me the stink eye all day … supplying me with the impression that a hostile takeover was imminent. I went ahead and took care of them for you. It’s better to be safe than sorry, that’s what I always say.

Rebel Forces

Thinking they might have a few buddies lurking around in the form of strategic reinforcements, I did a quick sweep of the perimeter and found this guy waiting for me in the wings. I am glad that I got to him before you all got home.

Reinforcements

I love you to the moon and back!

Love,
Baxter

 

 

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1234

Posted on December 5, 2012 by the girl with the most cake

Brad and I play a silly little game called 1234. The rules are simple. Two times a day the clock reads 12:34 and the first person to text it or point it out to the other is the winner, imaginary points are awarded. I hate losing at this game and sometimes I take extreme measures in order to win except most of the time they never work.

Current time: 1:34pm

my text: 134 -  (I know, I have no idea what I was thinking either. It’s been awhile since I have been able to win so I was grasping)

Brad’s text: You get 0.0 points for that one.

my text: 134 means thank you in binary.

Brad’s text: Why are you thanking me?

my text: Because you spent 50 bucks on an old joy stick and some game cartridges in order to resurrect your Atari from the eighties.

Brad’s text: Are you mocking me?

my text: I think so.

Stay tuned … more on the Atari incident of 2012 to come.

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Cookies?

Posted on November 28, 2012 by the girl with the most cake

Growing up, I spent a lot of time learning how to make cookies with my mom. I am also a poor listener.

 

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Thanksgiving Celery

Posted on November 20, 2012 by the girl with the most cake

Tyler’s kindergarten class put on a Thanksgiving feast and each child was tasked with bringing a food item to contribute. Tyler was assigned celery. My conversation with Brad on the morning of the feast.

Brad: “I don’t think you are supposed to just drop off a huge bunch of celery like that. Doesn’t it need to be cut up into pieces?”

me: “No. This is for the Thanksgiving Feast.” (holding up the celery and waving it at him) “They are going to prepare it themselves like the pilgrims did.”

Brad: “You think the teacher is going to let kindergarteners use knives?”

me: “No.” (why is he always challenging me?)

me: “They are just going to break it apart like in the commercials … you know the ones where the droplets of water are suspended into mid air after it breaks? Freshness.”

Brad: “That wasn’t a celery commercial.”

me: “You don’t know.” (see what I mean)

Brad: “The pigrims didn’t even have celery.”

me: “You don’t know.” (this is all I can think to say at this point)

Brad: “Do you think they lined the celery with cream cheese, added raisins on top and called it ‘ants on a log’?”

me: “They probably called it ‘droppings on a log’. That would make more sense because of all the deer hanging around that part of the country.”

Brad: “Now you are just making shit up.”

me: “Maybe, but probably not.”

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Is there ever really a good time to let your kids listen to Ke$ha?

Posted on November 19, 2012 by the girl with the most cake

Apparently some times are better than others. This became apparent when my oldest offspring took control of the musical Bluetooth features on the ole iPhone.  Her hunger for power shot straight to her head and she became Tiesto … serving it up one morning on the way to preschool drop off. I guess the title kind of gives it away. You all know the song and I claim no personal knowledge on how that one made it onto my phone.

<Wake up in the morning feeling like P Diddy ……>

Every morning on the way into preschool we get to walk past the teachers who are the “morning greeters”. I am fairly convinced that this job is assigned to the teachers that had the most student piss accidents the day before. I wonder if poop counts double? I would bet cash-money that they even have a sticker board with results posted in their lounge in order to keep track of the winners.

It is very cold out this morning.

Tyler: (5 feet away from the shivering greeters with forced smiles – he is singing) – “Wake up in the morning feeling like P Diddy … throw my glasses on the floor and hit the city”

Tyler: (in front of the Popsicle-style teachers, some of them look hungover, he is still singing except he is getting the words all wrong) – “… and I wake up in the morning drink a bottle of Jack …”

At this point the hungover Popsicles have stopped doing their greeting jobs and have directed their entire range of focus onto Tyler. I think his little song must have hit close to home for a few of them.

me: (to the greeters, who seem to have forgotten to greet us)  – “Yes, you just heard what you thought you heard.”

me: (scolding Tyler) “It’s brush my teeth with a bottle of Jack’ … get it right next time.”

I get kind of self conscious when my kid screws up in front of his teachers.

me: (looking at the now suddenly bitchy Popsicles) -  “He didn’t learn it from me, I drink Makers.”

 

 

 

 

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Cookie Dough Laundry

Posted on November 15, 2012 by the girl with the most cake

Brad: (just gettting out of the shower) – This towel smells like cookies.

me: Does it taste like cookies?

<pause>

Brad: Um … no it smells like cookies. How did you get it to smell like cookies?

me: I washed it with cookie dough laundry detergent.

<pause>

Brad: Is there really such a thing?

me: Anything’s possible. OMG I forgot to let the dogs back in!

Brad: They are laying on the bed.

me: (starting to put on some mascara) – Oh what a relief.

Brad: What just happened here?

I didn’t have an answer to his question because I have to really concentrate when I am putting on mascara.

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Tonight’s Agenda

Posted on November 13, 2012 by the girl with the most cake

1. Tyler to karate – check
2. Offer assistance with dreaded homework sessions – check
3. Start a load of laundry – check
4. Unload dishwasher – check
5. Make lunches for tomorrow – check
6. Start another load of laundry – check
7. Make a cocktail – check
8. Start dinner – check
9. Tell the kids that the kitchen is closed until dinner – check
10. Start another load of laundry – check
11. Listen to the death march that will ensue when I ask to kids to fold clothes – check
12. Make another cocktail – check
13. Finish and serve dinner – check
14. Listen to the kids whine about eating peas and grapes – check
15. Think about making another cocktail but decide against it since the State of Idaho considers a woman to be a “heavy drinker” if she has more than 1 drink a day – check
16. Break down and let the kids watch TV in order to find some peace and quiet – check
17. Leave the dishes for Brad because he loves to clean them up in the morning – check
18. Turn on the TV and become overjoyed that the Long Island Medium is on – check
19. Screw what the State of Idaho thinks and make another cocktail – check

Posted in Spur of the Moment | 2 Comments

Ass Clown

Posted on November 12, 2012 by the girl with the most cake

I wish I could take credit for this term but I can’t. It belongs to Aunt Coco. Who is Sunny Haralson and really who in the hell is her Aunt Coco? Well if you don’t know you should take a gander at her super funny and poignant blog… it will be worth it, I promise. No she didn’t ask me to write this and I doubt she even knows I am writing this.  Here is a link to her blog in case you are curious rubyperl.

As a little tribute, I am going to challenge myself to use the term “ass clown” on a daily basis. I think a previous post of mine titled Election Day may be a super good start … because that guy reeks of ass clown. Yeh!

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Spider Whisperer

Posted on November 12, 2012 by the girl with the most cake

Anyone who is close to me knows that I avoid killing anything that displays the basic characteristics of life … at all costs. I am mental about it. I hate flies and spiders but I swear I can not bring myself to end their existence. I make it sound so terrible I know. I told you I am mental.

Tuesday afternoon me and the kids found a big ass spider in the microwave. WTF … how does this happen? This is the very reason for my irrational fear of all things 8 legged. They seem to materialize out of thin air.

Being the modern family, the microwave is essentially like running water in our house … a microwave with a hugenormous (add this word to your dictionary … it’s fun) arachnid living in it makes the applicance undeniably useless. I will now address questions from the audience.

Q: Why didn’t you just get the spider out?
A: Fear … How would like sticking your bacon smeared arm down a sewer pipe filled with hungry rabid rats? Now you know how I feel.

Q: Why didn’t you just squish it?
A: I don’t SQUISH things. Were you not paying attention to what was written above? I had a cat named Squish and she was cute.

Q: If you were so scared, why didn’t you just have your husband take care of the spider?
A: Um … my husband is on a WEEK LONG fishing trip and is not here to fulfill that duty. No more questions for right now.

TUESDAY, WEDNESDAY, THURSDAY AND TODAY (Friday). Each day we left the door to the microwave open and I pretended to cast a little spell over the spider in hopes the blasted thing would crawl out. It didn’t.

I am heating up left overs in pans, defrosting frozens in the oven.  The kids don’t seem to like that their re-heated leftovers have pockets of coldness … I can over hear their whispers of e coli as they throw accusing glances my way. I am defrosting bread in the toaster and sending Tyler to school with toasted PB&Js. This drives him to the edge … begging his teacher for hot lunch money. We are eye to eye with catastrophe.

FRIDAY AFTERNOON: Brad comes home.

Brad: Why is the microwave door open?

me: I am trying to make a spider get out.

Brad: What?! (he is rolling up a Rolling Stone magazine …  and I know what this means)

me: NOOOOO … you can’t kill it?

Brad: Why?

me: I can’t have death in an area where we do stuff with food.

Brad: (I can’t believe he is actually rolling his eyes at me) – Okay

me: Can you just make it crawl onto something and then take it outside?

Brad has stopped talking to me now but he grabs a piece of paper and the spider willingly crawls onto it and at last, the creature has made it’s way outside. Spider whisperer.

Brad: How long was it in there?

me: Since Tuesday.

Brad: You haven’t used the microwave since Tuesday?

me: I don’t want to talk about it anymore.

 

 

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Election Day

Posted on November 9, 2012 by the girl with the most cake

It’s 8:30 am on Election Day. I am in a decent sized line, so I have some time on my hands.

The guy in front of me has a 5 o’clock shadow and I am strangely fascinated … after all it is only 8:30 am. I smell primping. I put my detective hat on theorizing that he must use some sort of man-gadget that he found within the vast realm of infomercial channels bestowed upon satellite TV subscribers.I want to ask what it is, maybe get one myself and try it out on my legs to see if I could get the same look. Sexy … me, not him.

— He must have felt me staring at him.–

Some random guy with chick glasses, gelled hair and a 5 o’clock shadow of a beard standing in line waiting to vote: “So who’s it going to be?”

me: “For president?” (I didn’t think we were allowed to talk in the voting line, I am very nervous right now)

Chick glasses gel guy: “That’s why we are here isn’t is?” (quick wit … so that’s how its going to be)

me: “I think the write ins will take it.”

Chick glasses quick witted gel guy: (laughing) “I wouldn’t go to Vegas on that.”

me: “Good advice.”

Chick glasses quick witted gel guy who looks like he is from Vegas: “Well good luck.”

me: “In Vegas?” (I am so confused)

Chick glasses quick witted gel guy who needs to go back to Vegas: “No, good luck with your voting.”

me: “Thanks. I don’t read very well so I will need some luck.”

(shut down)

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